Sleeping Bear
by the one who hums
Summary: "As I said, she sleeps like a rock when she's drunk." Black Star and Soul realize how hard it is to move a sleeping Maka. (All dialogue, slightly crack-y)


Disclaimer: I don't own Soul Eater or Black Ops. I wish I did. I hate being poor.

* * *

"Yesyesyesyesyes YES! Ha HA! And that would be my fifth win of the night! You know what that means, Black Star."

"Fuck you, I'm not doing it."

"You HAVE to, Star. You signed a contract that if I got more kills than you Team Deathmatch for more than four rounds that you would say it to every person you saw for the next 24 hours."

"Those don't count as real wins! Not when you have your meister on your side to distract me!"

"What are you talking about? She's asleep on the other couch. Maka's not doing anything to you."

"You don't hear that SNORING? She sounds like a fucking lawnmower!"

"Yeah, when Maka drinks a lot, she snores in her sleep. I told her not to go to that club with Liz and Tsubaki. Anyways, I don't see how this changes anything. I still won the bet and you still need to tell everyone how cool I am."

"There's no way I'm accepting those as wins when you have a BEAR in the living room distracting me with her snoring."

"Fucking fine, you sore loser. Tell Maka to go to bed and I'll beat you again."

"Fine!...Hey, Maka. Makaaaaa. MAKA. WAKE THE FUCK UP SO THE GREAT BLACK STAR CAN KICK YOUR PARTNER'S ASS. Jesus, did someone roofie her or something?"

"Did I forget to mention that when Maka's drunk she sleeps like a rock? There's no waking her up."

"Well then why the fuck did you make me walk over here and yell at her?"

"I dunno. Cuz it's funny?"

"Fuck you."

"Can we play now?"

"NO! I can't think straight with your drunk meister shaking the room with her snoring!"

"Just ignore her, Black Star! There's nothing you can do about it."

"Can't you carry her to bed?"

"What? No. When she's like that I just cover her up with a blanket and leave her there."

"You make her sleep on that uncomfortable couch? What kind of partner are you!"

"The kind who threw out his back the last time he tried taking her to her room! And don't you try to guilt me into moving her. YOU'RE the one with the problem. You do it."

"Fine! I think I will. Can't be too hard. She's small."

"If you say so."

"All ya gotta—do is—lift with your—knees and you'll be—dear God, why is she so _heavy?"_

"I told you it was hard. She's dead weight like this. It's not as easy as it looks."

"This looks SO much easier in romantic comedies."

"Are you saying the great Black Star watches romcoms?"

"Shut the hell up. Tsubaki likes them, I've seen like two."

"Did you cry at the end of The Notebook? I hear it's a real tear-jerker."

"Wipe that—stupid smirk off your face—before I drop your meister."

"And give her the chance to kill you herself? Go ahead. It looks like you're about to anyway. Will you watch her head? You almost hit it against the table!"

"Well _maybe _if Maka's partner would get his lazy ass off the couch and HELP me carry her, she'd be in less danger of getting injured."

"Watch out for the—! Okay, okay, I'll help you, just stop moving! If you hit her against another chair her legs are gonna start getting bruises. Just—just set her down on the table. I'll take her head and you take her legs. Wait! No, I'll take her legs."

"Will you make up your fucking mind? Why does it even matter?"

"There's no way I'm letting you look up my partner's skirt, you pervert. So YOU can take her head."

"Somebody's a little possessive about a girl who's not his girlfriend, isn't he?"

"She's not awake to kick your ass herself, so someone's gotta look out for her. Now lift her up and watch out for the chord to the coffeemaker."

"….How the hell has she not woken up yet? And how has she not woken your neighbors up with this snoring?"

"As I said, she sleeps like a rock when she's drunk. Watch out for that roller skate to your right."

"Dude, your apartment is a fucking mess."

"Ughhhh. You sound like Maka."

"Don't groan at me. Me and Tsu keep our apartment CLEAN."

"We have a lot of stuff okay? There's just….not always a place to put everything."

"Okay, now how are we gonna get her door open without dropping her?"

"You got two hands don't you? Just prop her up on your knee and open the door. Just make sure to do it—Star, no! You're not holding her—Grab under her arm and hold her up with—!"

[_THUD_]

"…"

"…"

"…...Oops?"

"…..She's gonna kill you. She's gonna murder you so bad."

"What are the odds that's gonna leave a mark?"

"Just pick her up off the floor, you dumbass! …._And open the door first_!"

"Okay, okay! I got her, she'll be fine. She might have a little headache tomorrow, but she'll assume it's a hangover! We'll be okay."

"_I'll_ be okay. _You're_ gonna die. Now set her down on her bed. GENTLY."

"I _got it_, jeez. There. Your meister is safely tucked in her bed. And now we can play Black Ops in peace."

"I still don't think it was worth the trouble."

"Well, it will be when I kick your ass!"

"Whatever you say. Listen, I'm gonna go get the pull-out couch ready for you. Cover her up the rest or the way and shut the light off on your way out, okay?"

* * *

"Star, I'd wake up if I were you. Maka's coming and she doesn't look happy…...Heyyyy, sleeping beauty! How was your ni—oh my God…."

"Good morning, Soul…..Black Star. Would either of you care to explain the bruises on my legs, the giant lump on the back of my head, or the DICK DRAWN ON MY FACE."

"THAT'S what was taking you so long in Maka's room? You said you were grabbing yourself a pillow!"

"Uhmm, hi Maka….. Well. You see….._Soul is the coolest guy of all time! He's way bigger than the great Black Star, especially at Black Ops! _ See ya!"

"….."

"How long are you gonna give him before you go after him?"

"Three….two….one..."

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**A/N:** RIP Black Star.


End file.
